Oh , how thy blaze astounds me.
A majestic flame dancing in the centre of its sacred mould
To protect its core.
Though it seems pure,
And its performance mesmerizing,
Don't be fooled.
When threatened, the graceful spirit is replaced by an almost
Demonic source.
Violently moving to and fro in order to protect its inner most being.
It has the power to inflict fear
Into people's hearts
And the ability to destroy
All it touches.
Watch the performance it creates,
Indeed do.
But do not witness what it
Hides from you.
Monday, 15 September 2008
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
I know
I believe in God, I mean you know he is pretty cool right? But sometimes I get worries and doubts.
I'm sitting in my room praying.......
God, are you there? Are you there god? are you listening?
Hey, God can you hear me? Are you even here?
Yeah, I know you are.
But God, God what about that time, that time when I was little, you know,
were you there then? God were you with me?
And as I got older and it hurt, it hurt so bad, did it hurt you too?
And when I cried, all those times I cried God, did you really know what each one meant? Every tear?
And sometimes, when I felt ok, but didn't think I should have, was that you comforting me God?
Yeah, I know it was.
God, you know when I spoke to those people, were you there?
Did you know how scared I was? How confused?
Was it because of you that when I felt all of those emotions building up inside me, at the same time I also felt peace?
Yeah, I know it was.
But God, can I trust you? I mean really trust you?
Are you sure your going to be there for me? because sometimes, sometimes God I feel that you're not, I feel that you're gone.
But then you come back, you come back stronger than before, you come back all guns blazing, you come back and you fill my heart with a passion, a passion for you and a passion.....for your people.
So i open my heart to you God, and i give my life to you, I put it in your hands for you to hold and care for.
But I get scared, what if i get hurt again? what if i get let down again? what if i end up on my own again?
But, hang on, how can I be alone again?
You gave me a new life, You gave me new friends, a new home, You gave me a new family and You gave me love.
But God, God do you actually love me?
Yeah, I guess I know that as well.
I'm sitting in my room praying.......
God, are you there? Are you there god? are you listening?
Hey, God can you hear me? Are you even here?
Yeah, I know you are.
But God, God what about that time, that time when I was little, you know,
were you there then? God were you with me?
And as I got older and it hurt, it hurt so bad, did it hurt you too?
And when I cried, all those times I cried God, did you really know what each one meant? Every tear?
And sometimes, when I felt ok, but didn't think I should have, was that you comforting me God?
Yeah, I know it was.
God, you know when I spoke to those people, were you there?
Did you know how scared I was? How confused?
Was it because of you that when I felt all of those emotions building up inside me, at the same time I also felt peace?
Yeah, I know it was.
But God, can I trust you? I mean really trust you?
Are you sure your going to be there for me? because sometimes, sometimes God I feel that you're not, I feel that you're gone.
But then you come back, you come back stronger than before, you come back all guns blazing, you come back and you fill my heart with a passion, a passion for you and a passion.....for your people.
So i open my heart to you God, and i give my life to you, I put it in your hands for you to hold and care for.
But I get scared, what if i get hurt again? what if i get let down again? what if i end up on my own again?
But, hang on, how can I be alone again?
You gave me a new life, You gave me new friends, a new home, You gave me a new family and You gave me love.
But God, God do you actually love me?
Yeah, I guess I know that as well.
Tuesday, 17 June 2008
a look back
Back in October last year I posted a spoken word piece by Amena Brown. Recently I've read back over it and thought about what it actually means to me. When I read it, I get this image of an almighty God. He is bigger then we could ever imagine. He is so many things to so many people. He is all the things listed 'Father, Creator, Sustainer, Life changer, Pride breaker, He is truth, hope, love, strength, escape, rescue, safety' and loads more. His love reaches all people of every race, background, culture. He created all the earth and all living things in it. He heals the hurting, He gives hope to the hopeless and comfort all those who mourn. He cares for everyone regardless of whether they know Him or not. He is this great being and yet.... He still wants to take the time to get to know me, out of the billions of people on the earth that He could take His pick from, He says I want to know you, to know the little things that make you smile and that make you frown. He looks at me and no matter what I see, or what anyone else sees, He sees beauty. No matter what a mess my life is sometimes, He sees righteousness there.
In Psalm 139 v 7-12 it talks about how there is no where you can go to get away from God. No matter where you go He will be there. Whether in lightness or darkness, He is there. He is everywhere, looking for you, looking to bring His child back home.
In Psalm 139 v 7-12 it talks about how there is no where you can go to get away from God. No matter where you go He will be there. Whether in lightness or darkness, He is there. He is everywhere, looking for you, looking to bring His child back home.
Wednesday, 7 May 2008
Love After Love
Here's a poem we read in school today.
By Derek Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
It's a poem about finding and accepting yourself and who you are. Also, it could be interpreted as if you've been buy for a long time doing things for other people and putting yourself aside, and then finally taking the time to acknowledge yourself.
I felt myself welling up whilst the teacher was reading it. In the first stanza, it's not just saying you will greet yourself, but that you will do it with elation. Meaning, you will come to like yourself with loads of happiness. You will be more than just content with yourself and who you are and also what you look like "in your own mirror". I can't imagine myself ever liking me that much. Even when I'm feeling on top of the world there is always something about myself that I put down. It also talks about taking the good stuff in your life and looking at it, thinking about it and says "feast on your life", "feast" is used to describe when eating food, but not just eating it, really enjoying it. So the poet is saying look at all the good things in your life and really enjoy them. This can be really hard to do, especially if you're feeling really rubbish, the good things can be hard to see. You know they're there but you just can't see them.
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)
A friend of mine is struggling with stuff at the moment and is finding it difficult to see anything positive in life. So I told her to make a list of all the people who care about her. All her friends and family and people she knows, and even those who she feels at this moment don't care, but deep down she knows they do. She came up with a bigger list than she first would have thought of. If we take the time to take note of the good things when they are visible, then we can look back over them when they seem invisible.
So go ahead...
"Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life"
By Derek Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
It's a poem about finding and accepting yourself and who you are. Also, it could be interpreted as if you've been buy for a long time doing things for other people and putting yourself aside, and then finally taking the time to acknowledge yourself.
I felt myself welling up whilst the teacher was reading it. In the first stanza, it's not just saying you will greet yourself, but that you will do it with elation. Meaning, you will come to like yourself with loads of happiness. You will be more than just content with yourself and who you are and also what you look like "in your own mirror". I can't imagine myself ever liking me that much. Even when I'm feeling on top of the world there is always something about myself that I put down. It also talks about taking the good stuff in your life and looking at it, thinking about it and says "feast on your life", "feast" is used to describe when eating food, but not just eating it, really enjoying it. So the poet is saying look at all the good things in your life and really enjoy them. This can be really hard to do, especially if you're feeling really rubbish, the good things can be hard to see. You know they're there but you just can't see them.
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)
A friend of mine is struggling with stuff at the moment and is finding it difficult to see anything positive in life. So I told her to make a list of all the people who care about her. All her friends and family and people she knows, and even those who she feels at this moment don't care, but deep down she knows they do. She came up with a bigger list than she first would have thought of. If we take the time to take note of the good things when they are visible, then we can look back over them when they seem invisible.
So go ahead...
"Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life"
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
Suffering
This is something i read.
This world is no stranger to suffering. The last one hundred years--which saw greater technological and medical advances than people living in previous centuries could ever have imagined--witnessed suffering, pain, and despair on a nearly inconceivable scale. Disease and sickness, earthquakes and other natural disasters, war and genocide, poverty and death--a stranger to Earth might be forgiven for concluding that suffering was the defining element of our world.
And suffering in its myriad varieties continues to this day, scaled to fit our everyday lives. We--and people we know and see around us--struggle daily against a world full of pain, a world full of hurts that seem to serve no purpose beyond inflicting misery. Some people struggle to feed and shelter their families; others to understand the loss of a loved one, to find the strength to keep standing beneath the weight of a terrible illness, to lift their eyes to heaven and demand an answer to the age-old question: "Why, God, why?"
I don't know what you're suffering. Maybe it's one of these horrors. Perhaps it's much more personal, more mundane. We each live unique lives with unique hurts, sharing in common an experience of a world that just doesn't seem to work like it should. Each of us suffers personally, in ways that no other person can understand.
Is there hope? Is there an answer to be found? There is, although we may not see it yet. In the meantime, this most important fact remains: we do not suffer alone. That is the promise of God. "... we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (Romans 8:17-8). "For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows" (2 Corinthians 1:5).
This world is no stranger to suffering. The last one hundred years--which saw greater technological and medical advances than people living in previous centuries could ever have imagined--witnessed suffering, pain, and despair on a nearly inconceivable scale. Disease and sickness, earthquakes and other natural disasters, war and genocide, poverty and death--a stranger to Earth might be forgiven for concluding that suffering was the defining element of our world.
And suffering in its myriad varieties continues to this day, scaled to fit our everyday lives. We--and people we know and see around us--struggle daily against a world full of pain, a world full of hurts that seem to serve no purpose beyond inflicting misery. Some people struggle to feed and shelter their families; others to understand the loss of a loved one, to find the strength to keep standing beneath the weight of a terrible illness, to lift their eyes to heaven and demand an answer to the age-old question: "Why, God, why?"
I don't know what you're suffering. Maybe it's one of these horrors. Perhaps it's much more personal, more mundane. We each live unique lives with unique hurts, sharing in common an experience of a world that just doesn't seem to work like it should. Each of us suffers personally, in ways that no other person can understand.
Is there hope? Is there an answer to be found? There is, although we may not see it yet. In the meantime, this most important fact remains: we do not suffer alone. That is the promise of God. "... we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (Romans 8:17-8). "For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows" (2 Corinthians 1:5).
Thursday, 6 December 2007
Saturday, 17 November 2007
Sometimes
Sometimes, it’s hard to be loved. It’s hard having people who care about you and care about what happens to you. So if you get hurt, it hurts them too.
Sometimes, it’s hard to be strong. It’s hard to keep smiling when all you want to do is cry. It’s hard to keep moving forward when all you want to do is turn and run away, to hide from the world.
Sometimes, it’s hard to see the good in your life. It’s hard to see all the wonderful things God has placed in your life. It’s hard to focus on the good and not the bad.
Sometimes, it’s hard to focus on now. It’s hard to move on from all the hurt in your life. It’s hard to forget. It’s hard to forgive. It’s hard to look to the future, instead of looking to the past.
But that’s just sometimes. What about the times when those things aren’t so hard?
Sometimes, being loved is the best thing in the world, knowing that no matter what, you have people who care about you, who are there for you, who will support you.
Sometimes, being strong comes easy. When using the strength of God in you, staying strong and
persevering with life doesn’t seem so much of a struggle and it becomes easier to face the world.
Sometimes, all the good things in your life are so evident, that you wonder what you did to deserve them all. You can see the true beauty of the things that you have. And when they’re staring you in the face and are just so amazingly overwhelming, how can you not concentrate on them?
Sometimes, all the other things are so great that they override the bad. Sometimes, you’re so busy loving the life you have now, that for those moments the past hurts don’t matter. Yes, sometimes it is hard to forgive and forget, but as time moves on it gets easier. As the bad is becoming overridden, and becomes to hurt less, it becomes easier to forgive, it may take a while, but eventually it will be possible. And although the memories are still there, they are thought about less and less, as more good things fill your life.
When the sometimes are hard, don’t focus on them. Instead focus of the other times. Focus on the sometimes that are easier, that are good.
Philippians 4:8
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. (NLT)
And maybe eventually, the good sometimes will happen more often.
Sometimes, it’s hard to be strong. It’s hard to keep smiling when all you want to do is cry. It’s hard to keep moving forward when all you want to do is turn and run away, to hide from the world.
Sometimes, it’s hard to see the good in your life. It’s hard to see all the wonderful things God has placed in your life. It’s hard to focus on the good and not the bad.
Sometimes, it’s hard to focus on now. It’s hard to move on from all the hurt in your life. It’s hard to forget. It’s hard to forgive. It’s hard to look to the future, instead of looking to the past.
But that’s just sometimes. What about the times when those things aren’t so hard?
Sometimes, being loved is the best thing in the world, knowing that no matter what, you have people who care about you, who are there for you, who will support you.
Sometimes, being strong comes easy. When using the strength of God in you, staying strong and
persevering with life doesn’t seem so much of a struggle and it becomes easier to face the world.
Sometimes, all the good things in your life are so evident, that you wonder what you did to deserve them all. You can see the true beauty of the things that you have. And when they’re staring you in the face and are just so amazingly overwhelming, how can you not concentrate on them?
Sometimes, all the other things are so great that they override the bad. Sometimes, you’re so busy loving the life you have now, that for those moments the past hurts don’t matter. Yes, sometimes it is hard to forgive and forget, but as time moves on it gets easier. As the bad is becoming overridden, and becomes to hurt less, it becomes easier to forgive, it may take a while, but eventually it will be possible. And although the memories are still there, they are thought about less and less, as more good things fill your life.
When the sometimes are hard, don’t focus on them. Instead focus of the other times. Focus on the sometimes that are easier, that are good.
Philippians 4:8
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. (NLT)
And maybe eventually, the good sometimes will happen more often.
Saturday, 6 October 2007
what i'm learning next!!
You.
By: Amena J. Brown
You find me when I'm hiding behind all my disguises
You see me. It takes you to keep me, breathing
You are heart, Passion, Vision, Word Incision
You send me and you bring me close, Close, close, closer
Until when you look at me you see you
You are heavenly, My present and future destiny
You are Father, Creator, Sustainer, Life changer, Pride breaker
You are yesterday today and forever, You are pleasure
You are worth, Reason, Present in every season
You are worship, Devotion, You are the reason for all my commotion
You are the one that I pray to, You can tell that I'm nothing without you
So awesome that I can pray to you about you, To know you, To sense you
To believe you more, To love you more, To obey you more, To give you more of my heart
Oh God search me, Know me, See me, Examine me, Test me, Love me, Watch me, Protect me, Show me, Investigate me,
Be pleased with me, Question me, Keep me, Change me, Have me, Correct me, Take me, Help me, Create in me,
Break in on me, Be my reality, Sustain me, Decrease me, Decrease me, Decrease me, Decrease me,
Until there is no me left, Only you, Only you, Only you
You are light, Are true, Are you, Are hope, Are love, Are strength, Are escape, rescue, safe
You are peace, You are belief, You are advance and retreat, Of what, to what, to whom can I compare you?
You are my all things new, You are my place of refuge
You are my fortress, My rest, My creativity in the strength of your words to me
You are my ability to see, hear, feel, move, live, breathe, be,
You are life and death all at the same time
You are friend, You are believer, savior, redeemer
You are today tomorrow and the next day, And the next day, and the next day, and the next day
You are truth, You transcend old age and youth,
You are timeless, priceless, lightness in darkness, greatness, goodness, sinless
And in a mess like my life you see righteousness, You leave me speechless
You... alone.... are God.
By: Amena J. Brown
You find me when I'm hiding behind all my disguises
You see me. It takes you to keep me, breathing
You are heart, Passion, Vision, Word Incision
You send me and you bring me close, Close, close, closer
Until when you look at me you see you
You are heavenly, My present and future destiny
You are Father, Creator, Sustainer, Life changer, Pride breaker
You are yesterday today and forever, You are pleasure
You are worth, Reason, Present in every season
You are worship, Devotion, You are the reason for all my commotion
You are the one that I pray to, You can tell that I'm nothing without you
So awesome that I can pray to you about you, To know you, To sense you
To believe you more, To love you more, To obey you more, To give you more of my heart
Oh God search me, Know me, See me, Examine me, Test me, Love me, Watch me, Protect me, Show me, Investigate me,
Be pleased with me, Question me, Keep me, Change me, Have me, Correct me, Take me, Help me, Create in me,
Break in on me, Be my reality, Sustain me, Decrease me, Decrease me, Decrease me, Decrease me,
Until there is no me left, Only you, Only you, Only you
You are light, Are true, Are you, Are hope, Are love, Are strength, Are escape, rescue, safe
You are peace, You are belief, You are advance and retreat, Of what, to what, to whom can I compare you?
You are my all things new, You are my place of refuge
You are my fortress, My rest, My creativity in the strength of your words to me
You are my ability to see, hear, feel, move, live, breathe, be,
You are life and death all at the same time
You are friend, You are believer, savior, redeemer
You are today tomorrow and the next day, And the next day, and the next day, and the next day
You are truth, You transcend old age and youth,
You are timeless, priceless, lightness in darkness, greatness, goodness, sinless
And in a mess like my life you see righteousness, You leave me speechless
You... alone.... are God.
Wednesday, 8 August 2007
it got me thinking......
The upcoming showcase has got me thinking about i61 and why i go. Here's what i've come up with!
i61, church in a pub, what's that all about? Introduced to it by Cherie i came for for the first time, not really knowing what to expect, but having the image of the traditional church in my head, well....i was wrong about that! Everyone was so friendly, it was strange, strange because people wanted to know who i was, i wasn't just there, not being noticed, i was welcomed into it. I loved the worship (and still do!) it wasn't singing hymns from hymn books, it was modern and it was great. A new church for the new generation.
So why did i keep going? well, there was something different about it, and i don't just mean the music or the fact that it was in a pub, there was something else. So i kept going, getting to know more of the people who went, interacting more with the things that they were doing, and i loved it.
i61 isn't like the other churches, like, when someone has a problem in their lives, Steve and Gill don't just give them the Bible and tell them that they'll find the answers they need in there, they find the answers for them, they make it more personal, they connect with all the people. i61 reaches into the community, not to find the people who are already christians and have been for a long time, who go to church regularly and whose lives are great, no, they reach out to find the people who are lonely, who need guidance, who need to be told that they are loved, and they become their friend, they show them the way through things and tell them time and time again that they are loved by God.
i61 is more than just a church, it's a family, everyone cares about everyone else, and just like being part of a family, it's a great thing to belong to. I'm proud to say that i am a part of the greatest church around, and the greatest family too!!
i61, church in a pub, what's that all about? Introduced to it by Cherie i came for for the first time, not really knowing what to expect, but having the image of the traditional church in my head, well....i was wrong about that! Everyone was so friendly, it was strange, strange because people wanted to know who i was, i wasn't just there, not being noticed, i was welcomed into it. I loved the worship (and still do!) it wasn't singing hymns from hymn books, it was modern and it was great. A new church for the new generation.
So why did i keep going? well, there was something different about it, and i don't just mean the music or the fact that it was in a pub, there was something else. So i kept going, getting to know more of the people who went, interacting more with the things that they were doing, and i loved it.
i61 isn't like the other churches, like, when someone has a problem in their lives, Steve and Gill don't just give them the Bible and tell them that they'll find the answers they need in there, they find the answers for them, they make it more personal, they connect with all the people. i61 reaches into the community, not to find the people who are already christians and have been for a long time, who go to church regularly and whose lives are great, no, they reach out to find the people who are lonely, who need guidance, who need to be told that they are loved, and they become their friend, they show them the way through things and tell them time and time again that they are loved by God.
i61 is more than just a church, it's a family, everyone cares about everyone else, and just like being part of a family, it's a great thing to belong to. I'm proud to say that i am a part of the greatest church around, and the greatest family too!!
Tuesday, 7 August 2007
evolution of dance
why post this video, you may ask? the answer is simple, coz it made me laugh!! and every one can do with something to make them laugh now and again!
Saturday, 4 August 2007
Monday, 16 July 2007
Spree weekend
I was on a spree weekend thing this last friday, saturday and sunday. It was really good, and we had loadsa fun! Me, Jenna and Serena went majorly hyper on the cups of tea! (we came to the conclusion the old guy who was serving us was putting something in them!!)
We took part in a 'just for fun' talent show, and i think we were pretty good, do you agree?
We are definately looking forward to the next one!!
We took part in a 'just for fun' talent show, and i think we were pretty good, do you agree?
We are definately looking forward to the next one!!
Saturday, 7 July 2007
looking for responces
ok, so i was just wondering about people's responces to these, and would love to know what you think of them, just your first responce!
"Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly."
AND
"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."
AND
"We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms."
AND
"We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love."
"Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly."
AND
"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."
AND
"We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms."
AND
"We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love."
Friday, 29 June 2007
The mask i wear poem
I found this and in honour of the next daughters meeting i thought i would post it. It was written by a psychiatrist in Calafornia.
The Mask I Wear
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!
My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation, and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.
It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the mask I wear.
I really like this poem, it describes alot of how i feel.
The Mask I Wear
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!
My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation, and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.
It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the mask I wear.
I really like this poem, it describes alot of how i feel.
Sunday, 24 June 2007
Friday, 22 June 2007
Cup game!!
Sarah taught us the cup game and i love it, i can do it pretty good and i have been teaching a few of my friends.
But i'm using a bottle in this!!
But i'm no way near as good as this:
I think we should all practice and try it!!
But i'm using a bottle in this!!
But i'm no way near as good as this:
I think we should all practice and try it!!
Saturday, 9 June 2007
Wednesday, 23 May 2007
Every one has problems in their lives, especially when your a teenager, all your emotions are everywhere and you tend to make a big deal out of something that isn't even worth worrying about!! And teenagers deal with their problems in different ways, some take drugs, some go out and have sex with alot of people, some drink alcohol and some probably do all three. The thing i used was alcohol. I started with asking my parents to buy me a big bottle of lambrini when they went shopping and stupidly they did, and i kept asking every week. Sometimes i would have 2 bottle a week, each probably lasting only 2 days. I would just sit there in my room at night watching TV and guzzling down lambrini. Then, the next day i would have some before school and i would even take some with me in a plastic bottle. After a while i started drinking cider as well and i would do the same with that. I started going out on the weekends with people from my estate and we would just sit around at night drinking, just beer and cider to start with, then i started filling up plastic bottle with vodka that was in a cupboard in my house and we drank that. And then, things really started getting to me alot and i just wanted them to be blocked out and what i was drinking then wasn't doing much because i still went home pretty much sober, so i took a bottle of white rum (it was only 1/3 full) from the cupboard, filled the rest of it with coke and went out on the weekend. Nobody else wanted any of it, so i sat there drinking the whole bottle on my own while they had cider or something. I can just about remember finishing the bottle and then smashing it on a rock (dont know why i did that), but after that i don't remember anything else. Afterwards i found out that i had been taken onto a hill by the people i was with so that they could try and sober me up, i had been dragged down the hill by my dad, i had run home (just about) and locked myself in my bedroom and then thrown up all over the floor and my bed. I had also fallen over everywhere and had various cuts and bruises all over my arms and legs, and i had also said things about one of my friends, which when i heard them i knew that i didn't mean them, but i had no control over what i was saying, or anything else.
Looking back on all of this now i can see how stupid i was and i know that it didn't help at all. There was something that i need in my life to help me with my problems and at the time the only thing there was, was alcohol, now that's different. Now i have God in my life and i can turn to him instead. If only people my age knew that there was another way, a better way to deal with things. If only they could see that the other ways that they are using aren't helping them. If only they knew that there is someone who cares about what they're going through and that He can help.
So this week i'm praying for Jesus to enter the lives of people my age, to help them with their struggles and for them to realise that there is another way.
Looking back on all of this now i can see how stupid i was and i know that it didn't help at all. There was something that i need in my life to help me with my problems and at the time the only thing there was, was alcohol, now that's different. Now i have God in my life and i can turn to him instead. If only people my age knew that there was another way, a better way to deal with things. If only they could see that the other ways that they are using aren't helping them. If only they knew that there is someone who cares about what they're going through and that He can help.
So this week i'm praying for Jesus to enter the lives of people my age, to help them with their struggles and for them to realise that there is another way.
Monday, 21 May 2007
Random
I didn't know what i could blog about so i thought i would just post this. I used to love this song when i was younger!!!
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